plaid alert | 2002-07-02 - 7:39 p.m.

By now, it's common knowledge. Whether we like it or not, more terrorist ataques -- �on American dirt, no less! -- lie in wait for us Americanos. Although nadie except Sr. Bin Laden and Nostradamus can tell us with any certainty exactamente when these attacks are supposed to occur, our national security advisor and Secretary of State are doing their damndest to convencer us that they will happen soon. Really soon. As in this week.

By now, todo el mundo has heard the chilling prophecy Colin Powell recently delivered on Face the Nation (surprising, really, when you consider nobody en realidad watches that show). "There have been a variety of ... intelligence reports that suggest we ought to be especially vigilant as we go into the Fourth of July season," Powell said ominously, in reference to the FBI's plans to "monitor and protect" major Independence Day celebrations. "In the course of the next couple of days, we'll be meeting on a regular basis to make an assessment of any additional threats that might be coming our way."

I don't know about you, but when I heard that speech, I could almost hear the Capitol dome exploding in the background.

Condoleezza Rice wasn't mucho m�s optimista. "Certainly the Fourth of July just symbolically is an important day," Rice told viewers on Meet the Press (as if they needed a reminder). "It is a time for enhanced vigilance, and we ask the help of the American people in that way."

When the bur�cratas start asking our help and invoking the "V" palabra, sentido com�n says we pack our maletas cuanto antes and flee to Iceland, right?

But then in the same Face the Nation entrevista, Powell does a one-eighty on the Fear Factor, saying he hopes "most Americans ... go about their business and enjoy the Fourth of July." After all, he says, the FBI, CIA and other agencias are "examining all of this carefully so that we can make sure that we are on alert but, at the same time, make sure that the American people can enjoy our national holiday." Relaaaaax, America!

Now, I am fine with alertas. They may be a little espantosos, but at least they have the ring of la verdad to them. What I do not understand is why beaurocrats like Powell feel like they have to reassure us in the same breath they're giving us bad news. For one thing, it's confusing. If Powell's latest alerta had a color, it wouldn't be red, orange, or even green. It would be madras plaid. I mean, I see Powell's lips moving and I don't know whether to run for the nearest aeropuerto or go out and buy more American flags.

While we're on the subject, since when am I actually supposed to be enjoying the Fourth of July? I've always hated the glassy-eyed look people get on their faces when they've imbibed one too many latas of Coors Light and the national anthem starts blaring through the loudspeakers.

You want frightening, forget the alertas. Walk the calles of your town this Thursday evening and see how many inebriated Americans have acceso to incendiary devices and firearms. Contemplate the kind of terrorismo that leaves children at wedding parties orphaned, then denies any wrongdoing. Remember that under the USA Patriot Act, the FBI need not show any causa for searching your home and monitoring your email. Take out a picture of your Presidente and look deep into those bottomless, expressionless eyes. And enjoy your national holiday.

pride and prejudice - 2004-09-07
wherein I become a Yahoo! Search Result - 2004-06-23
like 9-11 all over again - 2004-06-20
enough said - 2003-02-05
tirar por la calle de en medio - 2003-01-28

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