attack of the crone -- part dos | 2002-05-31 - 10:23 p.m.

Una hora y media later, after the param�dicos had gone, Abuelita was as insistent as ever that I acompa�ar her to the mall. "You need a change of scenery," she said, eying the ugly brown scorch marks on the kitchen suelo where the toaster oven had fallen and spontaneously combusted.

Al principio, I was hesitant to go anywhere but the hospital, where they might at least give me algo for the searing pain in los pulmones. But as it occurred to me that I might be able to find a nuevo toaster oven in one of the department stores, I finalmente relented.

As soon as we pulled up to the mall in Abuelita's habanero-hued Miata, I began to experience severe remordimientos about my decision. "Now let's see about that bridesmaid's dress," Abuelita muttered, jerking the hand brake as though she was already in Vegas, seated at a one-armed bandit.

"Oh, Abuelita, I don't know ..."

"Castigada, the boda is this weekend and I'm not going to have my one and only dama de honor dressed like a slag. Now, move it."

I was so escandalizada by her usage of a British term that the �ltima onza of my resolve dried up. I wordlessly followed her into the mall.

We ended up at this store I had never visitado before; one of those lugares you would patronize if you wanted to dress like Concha or buy a a slutty prom dress for under $28.00. Estupefacta, I looked around me at the garishly-colored selecciones hanging limply from their racks. Electric blue sequins glinted dully from under yardas of splotchy orange and fuschia netting. Radioactive pink sateen roses flopped lifelessly from last millennium's daring asymmetrical necklines and tulip skirts.

�Aiii! Mis ojos thirsted for an oasis of cotton or ... or ... rayon, but everywhere they came to rest, they fell on polyester. Ya sabes, hijos, polyester is a wonderful, versatile fabric, but the polyester of these vestidos was the stuff that amusement park uniforms and nightmares are made on.

But Abuelita was on a mission. "Castigada," she said," try this on. Now." And thrust into my hands a frothy pink dress from deep within the sale section.

Still sufriendo from the malos efectos of the fire in my apartamento, I took the dress back to the dressing room, without protest. I should have realizado that algo was terriblemente, terriblemente wrong when I saw that there were no mirrors in the dressing room. But it wasn't until I came out, at Abuelita's prompting, that I realized the full extent of my aprieto.

"Castigada, m'ija, you look stunning," said Abuelita, clasping her manos girlishly to her withered chest.

I heard the store employees tittering amongst themselves, and wondered what they found so chistoso. Then I caught sight of myself in the full-length store mirror. This what I saw.

pride and prejudice - 2004-09-07
wherein I become a Yahoo! Search Result - 2004-06-23
like 9-11 all over again - 2004-06-20
enough said - 2003-02-05
tirar por la calle de en medio - 2003-01-28

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