attack of the crone | 2002-05-29 - 11:41 p.m.

Ay, sant�sima virgen, forgive me for the pecado (�no intencionado!) of misleading my readers. Those who perused my entry m�s reciente must have feared the worst when I darkly hinted about a conspiracy hatched against me by my beloved Abuelita and my toaster oven.

Although at the time I truly believed in my persecution, it appears in hindsight that no such conspiracy ever existed. Una l�stima, since such a conspiracy would have made for una historia mucho m�s fascinante than the one I'm about to relate.

Here's what realmente happened.

I awoke at 10:35 am on Monday to the insistente jangle of mi tel�fono. Irritada, I lunged for the receiver in the kitchen, impatient to castigar the inconsiderate caller who had so rudely awakened me from my latest and most prurient-to-date Charlie Rose fantas�a.

I jammed the receiver into my o�do and -- �vaya sorpresa! -- Abuelita was balando on the other end.

You remember my abuelita. She's the chalada who's getting married next month to Se�or Chatty, el tipo she met in the funkytimes.com chat room.

"Castigada," Abuelita was gushing, "you'll never guess where I am!"

Hijos, do you remember the last time someone from mi familia called me on the tel�fono with a line like that? With a sinking sensaci�n in las tripas I suddenly knew -- the same way you instinctively knew Attack of the Clones was gonna suck -- that Abuelita was not calling from the comfort of her living room 80 miles away, but from right downstairs.

Now, it's not like I don't love mi abuelita or anything. I think she is a very nice lady, with a lot going for her, and I siempre make a point of incluyendo her in mis rezos. It's just that I'm still cringing about her pidiendome to be a bridesmaid at her tercera chingada wedding when I haven't even had a first wedding of my own to begin with and todo el mundo knows damn well I'm going to die a bitter old solterona. How many minutos will pass, I ask myself uncomfortably, before she brings up the painful subject of her chingada wedding and the ugly bridesmaid's dress I'm supposed to buy for it?

Exactamente fifteen seconds. "I know you are muy ocupada ahorita with your ... trabajo," Abuelita is saying, "but mi boda is coming right up -- este fin de semana, ya sabes -- and tu mam� was telling me she didn't think you'd bought your vestido de bridesmaid yet, and I just happened to be in El Valle and was pensando that as long as I was here I could swing by your place and take you to the mall ..."

I was wondering how to answer her when her voice was suddenly drowned out by an unspeakably loud beeping noise coming from somewhere over my head. "Qu� es eso?" Abuelita bleated.

De repente, I registered an unpleasant burning smell in my nostrils. Looking down, I saw my prized Sunbeam toaster oven lying at my feet, a nubarr�n of thick black smoke pouring from its grease-spattered door.

"Can I call you right back?" I asked, my lungs filling with smoke.

pride and prejudice - 2004-09-07
wherein I become a Yahoo! Search Result - 2004-06-23
like 9-11 all over again - 2004-06-20
enough said - 2003-02-05
tirar por la calle de en medio - 2003-01-28

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