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panic in palm beach | 2002-02-01 - 10:12 p.m. Imagine you're Noelle Bush, junior member of The Bush Dynasty. You're 24 years old, well-connected, and bien educada. Your hunky-lookin', smooth-talkin' daddy is none other than el Gobernador de Florida. He's got the power to wipe out affirmative action in state university admissions, grant political favors to shady underworld characters, and command el muy sexy Ricky Martin to perform for you at will. That's not all -- through a bizarre twist of fate, your mentally-challenged uncle has become President of the United Estates, a circunstancia that entitles you to free admission on Air Force One (a damn sight better than complimentary hot dogs at every home Texas Rangers game, if you ask me!). If that weren't enough, you're about to start a job at a software company when everyone else en el chingado software biz seems to be losing their livelihood. You got game, hija. So tell me, how do you celebrate your buena fortuna? Well, if you're a member of the Bush family, you have an ataque de nervios, a panic attack. You start freaking out and seeing the devil like my T�a Dolores on diet pills. You get so nerviosa, nobody wants to deal with you, not even your shrink. Al f�n y al cabo, you go all Barbara Stanwyck and phone in a phony prescription for Xanax, disguising your voice with a Hermes scarf wrapped around your Nokia. Then in a classic case of self-fulfilling prophecy, you get yourself arrested for prescription drug fraud, right there at the pharmacy drive-through window. This really happened to Noelle! Te lo digo, the first thing that ran through my head when I heard the news this week was disbelief. Another Bush arrest? This cannot be! I think. Is there a single moral law they haven't broken, these Bushes? �Ay! Once I get over the disbelief, however, all I can feel is puzzlement. Perhaps I am un poco literal-minded, but I am having trouble imagining the arrest. �C�mo ocurri�? I mean, just how do you go about getting arrested at a pharmacy drive-thru window? Are the police waiting there for you when you pull up to the window? Or does the pharmacy call the cops after you get there and ask you to wait for them to come arrest you? Either way, what kind of fool buys prescriptions at a drive-thru window, anyhow, when everybody knows they take three times as long to process your order there as they do inside? Huh? Idiota. Earlier this week, mi amiga Concepci�n told me Noelle could get up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine if convicted. "So, whadya think she'll get, Castigada? The fine or the time?" she asked me. "Neither," I told her. "As sure as her padre is Gobernador de Florida, se librar� totalmente. Just you wait." When I opened up the paper this morning, I shook my head sadly. "Noelle Bush was released from jail yesterday without having to pay a $1,000 bond and was made eligible for a pretrial release program," the paper said. Ya sabes, sometimes I hate being right.
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pride and prejudice - 2004-09-07
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Diary Rings |
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